


Everything's Gray Now, Numb to the Pain

by Closeted_Bookworm



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Stargazing, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, feeling unnecessary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:21:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Closeted_Bookworm/pseuds/Closeted_Bookworm
Summary: Sometimes all that's needed to pull Logan out of his cycle of self-blame is someone to tell him that he's still important.Stars are such beautiful things.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 10
Kudos: 67





	Everything's Gray Now, Numb to the Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a half-vent, half distraction. It made me feel a little better, I hope you like it :)
> 
> Title from "iRobot" by Jon Bellion (a great song if you want to give it a listen)

Apathy is an interesting concept, though it is not one Logan is particularly keen to explore. He lays flat on his back in the middle of his room, the cherry hardwood melting into shag carpeting under him with a tug from his mental influence. He twists his fingers through the thick fibers and thinks. 

He is feeling especially empty today. Ideas twirl through his head in aimless loops, cycling through the same unproductive thoughts. He has things to do, but he cannot bring himself to get up and start a task. Objectively, he is perfectly capable of completing everything on his to-do list in a timely manner. Realistically, nothing will get done if he continues with his current course of action, or lack thereof. 

Perhaps there is a chemical imbalance in his brain that is responsible for his current state of mind. However, he is relatively certain that is not the case. He is doing this to himself, after all. It is within his power to stand up and work, but he is choosing not to. He is being lazy and not fulfilling his purpose as a side. 

If he is not fulfilling his purpose, it would likely be better for him to not be there at all. 

He wishes he could disappear. He is not saying that he wants to leave the mindscape, or destroy himself in some way. He does not delude himself by saying his loss would have no impact on the others. Rather, he would like to never have existed in the first place. No one would remember him, and thus no one would be hurt by his absence. His duties could be shared amongst the others, or someone different could take his place. His role in the group is so small that it would not be fundamentally changed if he were never in it. 

He sinks deeper into the carpeting.

\---

Janus presses his ear to the cool wooden surface of Logan’s door, listening for the tell-tale scritch of a pencil or the clacking of a keyboard that would show Logan is still awake and pegging away at whatever his current task is, but no sound emanates from the room beyond. There is no way that the workaholic has already gone to bed. Maybe he’s proofreading something at the moment.

He quietly eases open the door, in case by some miracle Logan is actually asleep. The cool fluorescent lights that normally illuminate the space have been replaced by flickering candlelight, and the scent of jasmine fills the room. As soon as he steps inside, he sinks ankle-deep into the plush navy rug covering the floor. He purses his lips. “Comfortable” is not normally a word he could use to describe Logan’s room. Something is definitely wrong. 

Logan himself is lying spread-eagle in the center of the carpet, staring blankly upwards with two fistfuls of it clutched tightly in his hands. That confirms it. All is not okay in Logan’s headspace right now. 

“Honey, are you doing all right?” he says softly, walking over to sit cross-legged next to him. “You didn’t come down to dinner. Have you eaten?”

Logan is silent for a moment. Then, never one to beat around the bush, he bluntly asks, “Do you love me?”

“Yes,” Janus says with utter conviction. 

“How would you be different without me?”

He pauses, thinking for a moment. He has a better idea of where Logan’s thoughts are now. 

He simply answers, “I would be a lot sadder.”

“I was referring to a situation where you had never met me to begin with.” Logan amends in a dead-sounding tone.

“I know,” Janus replies. “You’re the reason I am where I am today. Do you think the other sides would’ve accepted me without your friendship? Up until a few months ago, Roman and Virgil hated my guts, and Patton couldn’t stand the sight of me. Last night we had a pillow fight and baked cupcakes as a family. You were the only one willing to give me a chance. Don’t undermine what you’ve done for all of us.”

He scoots closer to Logan and starts to play with his hair. It lengthens under his fingers as Logan unconsciously grows it out in response to the pleasant sensation, and he sets about braiding the strands loosely together. He closes his eyes and concentrates as he works, and one by one the candles scattered about the room extinguish themselves with soft hisses. He begins to hum, and his influence whispers through the room with a wave of dusty gold, painting the walls and ceiling with glittering galaxies. 

He can see the moment Logan decides to start letting things in again. His lips gradually curve upwards as he stares up at the glowing pinpricks of light dotting his room, and his deep blue aura shivers through the carpet, exchanging it for rustling grasses and pale white wildflowers as his furniture fades into temporary nothingness. 

The only thing disrupting the illusion of the sprawling field is the door frame. The two sit in contented silence, and if Janus can see the shine of bittersweet tears on Logan’s face in the glint of the starlight, he doesn’t mention it.

**Author's Note:**

> Intrulogical is my favorite, but I have a harder time writing romantically appealing Remus, so catch me riding the Loceit train to the end of the line :D
> 
> I would love it if you could leave a comment, reading them makes my day!


End file.
